In the Throes of Stockholm Syndrome

India ink & watercolor lampblack wash on bristol board

Gods willing, this will be my last illustrated contribution to the Chicago Maroon.

Pestilence on a Pale Pig

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This is less of an editorial cartoon so much as an exercise in morbid humor. On a related note, the Student "Care" Center--the University's clinic/bureaucratic labyrinth--has closed due to fears of the swine flu, which makes about as much sense as shutting down the local fire department for a raging conflagration.

From the Mouth of the Administration

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In case you haven't been following the news: Our Dear Dean of Students, Susan Art, denied one Mr. Kong readmission to the University after a particularly nasty episode of financial malfeasance forced him to take an extended (read: five year) hiatus, during which he took courses at Seoul University and the University of Korea for more than two years without completing a degree.

Now, the only explicit technical barrier that would preclude readmission is if an applicant has already obtained a degree from a peer institution, which Mr. Kong evidently did not do, but Our Dear Dean of Students nonetheless rejected said applicant, and on appropriately inane grounds, including suspicions that he would again be unable to defray the costs of his education. Granted that this is an understandable concern, Your Cartoonist nevertheless thinks that Mr. Kong is at full liberty to dispose of his income as he sees fit, a proposition in which the said individual will assume the full risks pursuant to his choice. Moreover, if price is a concern, then at least half of the students here should be expelled posthaste to save them the trouble of having to pay for college.

Needless to say, this was not the only asinine rationale that Our Dear Dean of Students furnished. Others included that his only discernible reason for wanting to attend the University was to secure "a degree from a prestigious university," an argument that, if applied elsewhere, would effectively, oh, bar everyone from this august institution. Anyhow, I should let her letter (the authenticity of which she has so far not denied), which was circulated by concerned students, speak for itself:

Dear Junwan,

Thank you for providing such complete information about your activities during the past five years. I have taken your request to resume studies in winter 2009 to the Deans Committee and we have considered it carefully. I am sorry to say that, for the reasons I am outlining here, we will not be approving your return to the College.

Our primary reason for denying your return is that you have clearly made an academic life for yourself in Korea. You have done well at the University of Seoul and have successfully transferred to Korea University. Since very little (possibly none) of the 2+ years of academic work that you did in Korea would transfer towards your undergraduate degree, it makes much more sense for you to complete your degree there. Further, though you assert that the University of Chicago would offer an excellent education for you, we cannot tell from what you have sent us why--apart from wanting a degree from a prestigious university--you really should return to Chicago. In other words, it is unclear how completing a degree here would better meet your academic objectives that completing one in Korea.

The other issue is financial. You have suggested that your family's resources are limited, and I really cannot see how investing over $150,000 to complete your undergraduate education can make any sense at all. You would need to register for three full years--and possibly for more than this--and this is a huge financial undertaking for any family.

We did open the door to your attending the College five years ago, and you were only able to take advantage of one quarter of registration with us. This record is hardly something that you can argue you should be able to build upon again. You have made a life for yourself in Korea, and you should work to complete your undergraduate degree there. If you eventually want to return to Chicago, consider applying as a graduate student.

I am sorry to disappoint you in this, but part of my role, as dean of students, is to evaluate whether requests such as yours make sense. It is pretty clear to me that there is no good rationale to return to Chicago to complete your undergraduate degree.

Sincerely,

Susan Art

The Scholar-Whore of Babylon

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The University is a categorically miserable, wretched place, especially during internship season, when every species of anxiety multiplies and i-banking d-bags/networking strumpets thrive. That this is the principal means by which purported scholars--ahem--"advance" themselves should be construed as a dire pronouncement upon the host society.

Provost Rosenbaum Goes to Washington

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I was on the verge of drawing a scathing polemic against the fraternities (read: cesspits of depravity) when Provost Rosenbaum informed the University that twenty-five percent of the endowment had evaporated into the economic ether (just peachy!), whereupon circumstance compelled me to reconsider.

The Wages of Imprudence

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Allow me to explain: I sympathize with the plight of workers in such dear times, but I also understand the pressures dire circumstances impose on employers. I also comprehend the patent absurdity of combating inflation via wage increases, wherefore I find it difficult to accept the latest round of protests. Being underpaid is less-than-desirable, but it's still preferable to unemployment in a recession.

Scholarly Heights

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Point of clarification: I'm not necessarily saying or intimating that I disagree with CORES' protest, but merely pointing out a less-than-palatable and probable (read: noble) intent. That said, I'm no Friedman apparatchik, so hold your torches and pitchforks at bay!

Food for Thought

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The University is a marvelous institution by all accounts, except when it comes to graduate student funding. Undergraduate aid is, by contrast, far more generous.

God Save the Queen

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...Queen Hillary the Inevitable, that is, since divine intervention is pretty much her only hope at this point. In the meantime, will the pestilential horde of Scav-fanatics at once single-handedly salvage poor Queen Hillary's campaign and bring down the Chicago Maroon [11 points]? Gods willing, neither dreadful possibility will ever come to pass.

Devolution

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The SG "debate" this Monday was without a doubt among the most vile political spectacles heretofore witnessed by human beings. Honestly, I'm not sure which was worse: The parade of inebriated horribles or the substantial decrease in audience size after the said horde finally evacuated the premises. Either way, this unfortunate episode only affirmed my conviction that fraternity-types are barbarians at the ivory gates of the collegiate world.

Paper-Rattling

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I can't adequately stress the impotency of divestment as a means of stopping genocide. If Rwanda has taught us anything, it's that genocide can be at once startlingly low-tech yet gruesomely swift. That said, such atrocities occasion legions of blue-helmets on the ground and humanitarian aid, not a foolhardy, irresponsible long-term policy.

*Correction: Some silly City Council subsidiary panel denounced (and rejected) the U of C, not the entire Council. Bloody bureaucrats.

Bull-Passing

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In case you haven't heard, Our Fine Alderman suddenly altered her rationale [gasp!] for removing the 171 stop! Apparently the University bruised her delicate sensibilities when it moved the selfsame stop on 57th earlier (by about, like, twenty feet) without Her Highness's permission, and now she's on a righteous crusade against that filthy ivory citadel of capitalistic sleaze and tyranny.

The sheer outrage of it all! How dare they breathe without her sanction!? Kneel before your Alderman, mortal, and tremble!

Shame, Alderman Hairston, shame.

Dirty Dancing

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This is (1) inexcusable and (2) utterly nonsensical, though I suppose that machine politics never cared for sentiments, much less public ones. Regardless, why anyone would seek to create parking by curtailing public transportation is beyond me. At least we know that the convenience of hundreds of U of C students and local residents is worth, ahem, four parking spaces.

Mathemagic

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In local news, Provost Thomas R. Rosenbaum's Working Group screws the proverbial pooch on graduate aid expenses. As a consequence, the program became $40 million cheaper overnight. Now that's mathemagic!

Roughin' It

The University's activist scene is, by all accounts, a barren wasteland at best (STAND) and an apocalyptic, puerile nightmare at worst (Coke/Anti-Coke).

Let it be known that I do not loathe activism in the unqualified sense. Quite the converse is true: I reserve naught but the utmost respect for the courageous men and women who brave rubber bullets and truncheons for their cause, not to mention those who willingly perish in service to a just creed.

What passes for activism here at the U of C is, however, just plain embarrassing. Witness STAND's utter inability to mobilize popular support and woefully ineffectual, provocateur tactics (i.e. the "penny-protest"). Or the Coke/Anti-Coke "debate," a veritable conflagration of puerility. The Progressive Gala was a spectacular exercise in profligacy, and only served to demonstrate how far modern "progressives" had fallen from the proverbial tree.

Be warned, young revolutionary, for you will find no succor at this witch's teat.